How Do You Forgive When You’ve Been Hurt So Bad?
Forgiveness is quite a complex concept, easy to say but hard to do. It can be very difficult to forgive when we have been betrayed, abused, or hurt so badly. Sometimes it is easier to hold onto unforgiveness because of certain misconceptions and interpretations such as:
If I forgive them, then I will forget what happened.
If I forgive them, that means what they did was okay.
If I forgive them, then they will hurt me again.
If I forgive them, that means I am weak.
If I forgive them, that means it didn’t happen.
Unforgiveness turns out to hurt you more than the person who has done you wrong. Numerous studies show that unforgiveness can contribute to serious health issues like cardiovascular diseases, cancer, and mental health issues among many others. The anger, bitterness, hate, resentment, and vengefulness that accompany unforgiveness end up destroying you while the perpetrator is minding their business and possibly clueless about how much you are impacted by their behavior.
What Does it Take to Forgive?
Forgiveness Can Take Two: Forgiveness is not just a statement or an act that I perform instantly, and it’s settled. Most times it’s a process that requires both parties. When it takes two people to forgive, the following usually happens:
The betrayer is remorseful or repentant of their action,
They acknowledge and accept full responsibility for their behavior, not “I’m sorry but…”
They apologize or ask for your forgiveness.
You see genuine remorse and repentance, and you believe them.
They commit to change and stay consistent with the change(s) that they have made
When the two parties are involved in the process of forgiveness, reconciliation can happen, and trust can be rebuilt (See my blog on Forgiveness and Reconciliation:)
Forgiveness Can Take One: This kind of forgiveness does not require the two parties. It takes only you (the person who was betrayed, deceived, abandoned, and hurt) to happen. This is a kind of forgiveness that is completely altruistic. No expectations. But it is for you more than it is for them.
You do not expect or see any remorse in them.
They refuse to acknowledge responsibility for their behaviors.
They see no need to apologize or ask for your forgiveness.
You see in them no change or willingness to change.
Therefore when you forgive them, you do so because God not only extends His forgiveness to you every day, but also equips you with the grace to forgive those who do you wrong, so that you can free yourself from the hurt, heal, and have peace of mind.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning…” Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
When you make the decision to forgive those who do not deserve your forgiveness, you not only loosen yourself from the torment of anger, bitterness, hate, and resentment, but your prayers are unhindered, your joy is unlimited, and your peace of mind is well-preserved. In this kind of forgiveness though, you do not have to reconcile with the betrayer (see forgiveness and reconciliation)
When You Need Forgiveness for Yourself: When I mention Forgiveness, you might think about someone who betrayed or hurt you. However, a lot of the time, you might hold unforgiveness against yourself without being conscious of it.
Do you find yourself ruminating over these questions or false beliefs:
How could I let that happen?
How could I be so gullible?
Why didn't I see it coming?
I am stupid for letting that happen to me,
I am worthless
I'm never gonna be good enough, etc.
If you do, maybe you have not forgiven yourself. Be compassionate to yourself and remind yourself that you are human. It is only God who is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. That means sometimes, you would not know, you might not catch the signs or the red flags, and you might fall short of your own expectations. It is necessary to forgive yourself so that you can completely heal.
How Do I Forgive?
Forgiveness starts with a decision – the decision to forgive the person who has hurt you. Forgiveness serves a purpose – to amend and reconcile, to experience peace mentally, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, and physiologically; to be obedient to your Heavenly Father because if He says to do it, you trust He knows it is for your best interest.
How Do I Know that I Have Forgiven?
When forgiveness occurs:
You are no longer angry, hateful, vengeful, or resentful toward the person that hurt you,
You are no longer angry at yourself but treat yourself with kindness and compassion. The “whys” and “hows” are no longer there.
You are no longer emotionally, spiritually, or physically distraught
When you think about the person who has hurt you, you are not overwhelmed with distressing emotions.
You do not hold their behavior over them or against them anymore. That you have forgiven someone does not mean the behaviors did not happen. It happened. They are responsible for it. But you don’t hold it against them or over them anymore.
When you remember the hurt. I say “when” not “if” because you will surely remember the hurt from time to time especially if there is a trigger or a reminder. So when you remember the incident, you are not overwhelmed with negative emotions anymore.
The anger and resentment you felt when you have not forgiven will be replaced with gratitude and joy that you are free from the hurt and are in a better place physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
You can breathe and experience a settling peace within you.
MHR, LPC, LADC/MH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator